There are so many things that I can write about right now and I just don't know where to begin.

I first want to congratulate my friends from grammar school who recently told me they were pregnant and I want to wish them happy and healthy pregnancies!

The more time I spend with my baby the more I find myself losing time throughout my day because ALL I do is stare at him! I can wake up in the morning, change and hold him, feed him, watch him sleep and when he wakes up do it all over again. Its so easy to do! It is not very good now that I have started working again. Yep... you heard me right..... I am working again. Not back at my old job, but something different that I can bring the baby to or I can drop him off by my grandmother if she is home depending on what day it is. He is my grandmothers first great grand-baby and she absolutely loves him! I can't say I blame her, but I am happy that she is so excited about him. I also am happy that I can get out a little bit and do things (like work) to make me feel like I am doing something with my life instead of "playing with babies" all day long. Well, I don't really feel like that, but I have a feeling many people are probably thinking that because I don't have to get dressed and ready to go out into the world to work. I think taking care of a baby 24 hours a day, seven days a week is harder than any 9-5 job I am responsible for the well being and development of this child and its hard work!

Ok, enough of my ranting, I will post soon... hopefully!

Much love!
J

Frump-Free

The past week has been really crazy and hectic for us. We have had family parties and so many appointments that we haven't had much time to relax. The other morning I had to be at the hospital for an appointment by 8AM with my little man so I woke up and left a little early. I parked in the parking garage and took the elevator to the floor that I needed to go to. While we were on the elevator there was a woman who looked at me and talked about how hard it is to do anything with a little one and that I looked good and 'normal' toting around my little guy. I guess she just meant that I looked pretty put together for a new mom at 8AM with a newborn in my arms. I don't find it impossible like how she was making it out to be.... I just stayed up late the night before getting everything ready to go and I also woke up an hour early to get the baby ready (he always takes longer than me... the feeding takes so long!).

So what that woman said to me made me feel pretty good. It made me feel like I am not hopeless and can do things like I used to (ex: look decent while out and about with my baby). I never wanted to be one of those moms that constantly wore sweats because they are comfortable. I wear them to bed and on rainy days in the house. I had on my dark jeans with a fitted cotton shirt, a sweater and flip flops. I was comfortable but I certainly did not look frumpy. I just don't understand why there are people that assume you will always look frumpy- especially in public- after having a baby?

Even after an appointment on another day I still thought I looked pretty frump free. We were at the cardiologist office and while we were waiting, I fed the little man because it was: A- Time to eat and B- he was screaming. So I fed him while we waited. I moved him to burp him over my shoulder and all of a sudden he spit up all over me. Not only did my baby smell like formula, but I did too! I put my sweater on over top and buttoned it up so no one could see that I was messy from the spit up and then while we were in the room waiting for the doctor I changed my shirt and wiped myself down with wipes to get the smell off. Thank God for that extra shirt in the diaper bag!

Anyway, the point to this is that no matter what happens: spit up, butt explosion, leakage, a new mommy can still look good while having their newborn in their arms. There is no need to look frumpy and certainly no need to have people think you will look frumpy for months after your baby is born!

What happens when the milk runs out?

When I was in the hospital, the nurses and doctors always said how breastfeeding was better for your baby. What happens when the milk runs out?

For the past two months I had no problem supplying milk for my little boy... actually I made so much that I had to freeze a lot of it. Unfortunately, I have no more frozen bottles since I am not making enough milk. I eat right, stay hydrated and pump when I should, I am just all out. I feel so bad about it too. Today I was feeding him his formula and started to cry. I felt I needed to apologize because I couldn't make the milk he likes to eat. I know he's not crazy about the formula- he makes a face and turns his head away.

Ever since I have started giving him the formula I have noticed that he has become much gassier and slightly constipated. So what did I do? I switched the formula. I chose something that was for sensitive bellies and so far that seems to work for him. With the new formula he is not as constipated which is good and he can tolerate it well (that means not too many spit ups!) .

I still feel bad about not having the milk for him, but I have to look on the bright side of this.... at least I found something that he will eat that helps him grow. That is all I can ask for right now!

-J

Perfect in my arms

I just want to start out this blog by saying that every day I wake up and realize how lucky I really am. I have a beautiful little boy and a wonderful boyfriend that helps me all the time!

I was lucky enough to sleep in today- my boyfriend took care of the baby and let me sleep. It was a much needed sleep and I feel so much better- better than I have in a few weeks! Waking up every few hours has really done a number on me and it has changed my baby a lot too! I have noticed that he has gotten so much bigger and now have to get rid of some of his clothes- especially the preemie ones.

Hopefully he doesn't grow too fast because I really enjoy him being small right now- he fits perfectly in my arms!

-J

Time management baby!

Day after day I realize how hard it is to take care of a child. The sleepless nights start to get to me around mid morning and I feel like I need a shot of espresso to help get me through the day. Most days I feel like there should be more hours in the day and that I should be doing more productive things. Sleeping is not one of those productive things on the list... but today was a different story. i ventured out with my baby in tow to my grandmothers house for lunch. She says the same thing every time she sees him- that he looks like a little doll and that he is so small. It's true- he is small, but i really do not think that he looks like a doll.

I must admit that I feel really good about making her happy. She was very surprised to see us because she thought she would be having lunch with my sister and cousin. When we walked in i think we caught her off guard but she was just so happy to see the baby. She always worries that she will not have enough food when there are unexpected guests... but she always seems to make enough for a small army.

I found it interesting that my cousin had no idea that the baby was there until my grandmother said something about him. He was sleeping in his car seat in the next room... I guess no one really notices him unless he is crying or if he is being carried around. Maybe it's a good thing?

So now that I have gotten off the subject, let me get back on it. My day today ended up being really productive and I am so proud of myself for it. I managed my time really well if I do say so myself. I was able to get myself and the baby ready and out of the house by 11ish, get to my moms house to meet my sister, feed the baby while we were there, go to my grandmothers house for lunch, go food shopping for the essentials while my sister stayed with the baby in the car and wait for my sister to get out of the motorcycle shop with riding gloves for her husband. After all that, I dropped my sister off at my moms and then headed for home.

I felt a little bit like super mom today... you know... with super strength! I was able to carry the baby in his car seat up to the sixth floor of the building that we live in while holding the diaper bag, my purse and three grocery bags. They were heavy bags! Some of the items included eggs and a gallon of milk- not the kind of stuff that is easy to carry! So yeah... that made me feel like super mom..... maybe I am crazy, maybe I am not, but I really feel good about doing all of that heavy lifting when I would have never dreamed of doing it.

I have also noticed that my baby is getting VERY attached to me... He loves to sleep being held or being in a room with people. He doesn't like sleeping in a room by himself. He starts to cry when he is alone and knows which cries will get me to run to him faster. He is such a smart cookie! I know I am going to be in trouble when he is a little older but I feel that for now it's okay to spoil him a little bit. I would rather spoil the snot out of my baby than to neglect him. I hope you would agree with me.

Anyway, I must be going so I can finish up the dishes and get ready for bed while the baby is still sleeping. Have a good night everyone!

-J

Nearing the end of maternity leave

The more time I spend at home, the more I worry about myself financially. I told my job that I would be taking a full 12 weeks for maternity leave- it includes my family leave time as well and that should be returning to work sometime in the beginning of September. As time goes by I wonder how i am going to take care of my baby and work. My boyfriend and I had discussed different options, haven't decided on anything yet, but I do feel like I need to go back- like my job needs me. I am not quite sure why I feel that way but I do. I know I have a beautiful little baby here with me who depends on me for everything. He is a full time job... just without the money and the insurance. I am so torn about going back to work. I know my mom would take care of him for a day a week and that my grandmother had even offered to care for if I needed to go back to work. I could call the girl in charge of scheduling at my job and ask if I would work part time, maybe 2 days a week. It is an option, but I just hate to worry about my future. I think I need to win the lottery... that would do it!

My other concern is if I can not get anyone to watch the baby while I am at work, what day care (gasp!) can I put my son in. I really don't like day cares... they are breeding grounds for germs with all the kids running around. I am not saying they are all bad... it is just my personal opinion that I do not care for them and really would not like my son to be put into one. I know that there is a minimum age that a child has to be to be enrolled in a day care and also has to have certain vaccines. I still have yet to speak to the pediatrician about vaccines... the last visit he said the baby was too small to have the vaccines- he's not supposed to be here yet!

So as the days and nights go on, I am faced with this dilemma. What do I do? Or, i guess I could just say that about life in general right now... There is no hand book on how to go through like with a newborn... you just kind of wing it and take as much advice from as many people as you can! That is all I can do right now... and if people offer their help, take it! That is why I have been so appreciative of my mom coming over. She always brings some food that she knows I like (it is hard when you can't go out food shopping, especially when the baby can not go near crowds) and always takes the baby so I can relax a little. She really does help me.

Well, the baby is waking up now.... it must be that time again... feeding time!

Till next time,

-J

A brief intro to Motherhood

Taking care of a baby is definitely hard work. I feel like I have no time to do anything that I used to do- everything is so rushed now, like showers, eating, pumping and sleeping. I feel like I need a class on how to manage my time while handling a newborn. If anyone has tips on how to do this, please let me know. It is so difficult for me right now, especially with the lack of sleep!

I never really understood how mothers handle bringing their children to the doctor, especially when they have more than one! I went to the eye doctor with my baby yesterday (all is well with him, it was just a routine check since he's a preemie) and there was a woman with three little boys. Two of them were able to walk- they must have been about 5 or 6 years old and then she was carrying the other while pushing an empty stroller. The little boy she was holding must have been two at the very least, but I just could not understand how she was there with three and I was having a hard enough time with one.

I had the diaper bag, my purse and him in the big clunky car seat. After taking him in and out of the car and carrying him around with the car seat I realized that I really should have started lifting weights to prepare myself for everything I would be carrying. The hear made it even worse because I was sweating while doing all of this. I am sure that whoever is reading this that has already had their children is saying "Welcome to motherhood" while thinking that I haven't experienced anything yet. I guess I just have to wait... I am sure it will all get better and that it will get easier for me as time goes on.

Well it just so happens that my little man is starting to cry, probably because its time for him to eat so that is my cue to end it here.

Till next time!
-J

Preemie care - the first few days

Thursday July 30th was the day we were able to bring our little guy home. I will not lie - it is hard taking care of a baby and with lack of sleep it makes things harder. The first day he was home we had so many people here that it was very hard to get into a routine with the baby and for the next two days the baby was not right either. His feeding schedule was off as well as his sleeping schedule. Too many hands grabbing him and too many people kissing him. He made it very difficult that night for us, but I think we should have limited the amount of people who came over. I am not saying it wasn't nice seeing everyone- it was, but it was too much for our little 4 lb 11 oz baby.

After the first night, my boyfriend and I looked at each other and were so happy that we all survived. Things that were going through my head that night included things like 'is he breathing?', 'how is his temperature?' and 'did i feed him enough?'. I was also very hot here so we had the A/C on that night and I was afraid that he would be too cold. We also had to keep music on for him to go to sleep- the NICU was very noisy all the time with alarms chiming and nurses talking constantly. I think we are doing well trying to make it comfortable for him.

While making it comfortable for our little one, I have realized that being woken up every few hours really takes a toll on your body. We both have noticed dark circles under our eyes and our skin is also different from how it was before baby came. It is just exhausting taking care of a newborn, physically and mentally.

Since he came home I have noticed that he has been really comfortable with all the attention he has been getting. I have been holding him a lot... partially because when I was at the hospital with him, I was only allowed to hold him for a certain amount of time until the nurses told me to put him back. He cries and I pick him up. He looks at me and I pick him up. He sleeps and I pick him up... all I want to do is hold him and kiss him and now he has gotten so used to me being there that when he cries and I come in, he stops crying because he knows I will pick him up. If I have him laying on his boppy I just have to hold his hand and he is calm and quiet.

I have noticed that he only cries when there is a need... like if he is too gassy or if he is hungry. Other than that he is quiet. I feel like I can sit there and hold him for hours just staring at him. Actually, just holding him is so relaxing for me that it is so easy to fall asleep with him in my arms. I know it is not good to do, but it happens. I am sure other people have fallen asleep holding their babies too.

I also found that it is more and more difficult to keep in touch with anyone from the outside world. I know there is email, this blog and my cell phone, but I can't always make or take a call and I feel bad. I am in the apartment all day and night and I feel like I am neglecting the baby if I do decide to make a call or write a quick email. I don't like that feeling, but I know it is not good to shut everyone and everything out either. I need to keep in touch with family and friends to stay sane. The only reason I don't feel bad writing this right now is because the baby is asleep in his daddy's arms watching the baseball game...bonding.

On that note, I must get the bottle ready for his next feeding and prepare myself to pump. If there is anyone with suggestions on anything I have written, please post a comment.... I do like hearing from other people who have been in similar situations as I am in.

-J

Countdown till baby's home

Every day it seems like i have been getting up and ready earlier and earlier to go to the NICU to see if my little one can come home sooner than later. Today was one of those days that I thought maybe today is the day... if anything, he would come home at night. I was wrong. I waited for hours with my little hungry and gassy baby (this is nothing new, he has always been gassy- takes after his daddy i guess :-P) until the Dr came and made rounds. I asked when the baby would be coming home- hoping it would be tonight, but Dr said that tomorrow is the day if there are no "episodes" over night.

I am getting tired of hearing the word 'episode'... its all I hear and it is all the nurses tell the parents on the phone or when they see them. It must be the way that they were trained but I have come to realize that some nurses are just cold bitter people and others really care about taking care of their patients- other peoples kids. It must be hard looking after three or four crying babies for hours on end when they have all these special needs and medicines, each being hooked up to individual monitors which chime simultaneously driving whoever is in the room crazy until they stop. Those nurses are saints, because being in there for over a month and seeing what goes on, I am not sure I would be able to handle it. I did notice that some nurses don't even hear the chimes anymore because they are so used to them which is not good. One word of advice: Talk to every nurse you can and get information out of them... like how much they know about your babys health even though they say to check with he Dr... ask what different words mean and really listen to them. Yesterday I had asked the difference between the numbers on the monitors and I got a half hour lecture on why the first is different from the third, what the second means and why if the first and last number get too high or low it can mean something bad. All these things to think about and it makes me stress out knowing I cannot rely on a monitor when he comes home because I will not have one there!

I have noticed that my little man has developed a bigger appetite in the last couple of days. There is a pattern when he eats. He eats till he feels like he has to burp, then while you are burping him he either tries to sleep or push something out the other end, then after trying to burp him, he either eats more from his bottle or refuses to eat till its warmed up or he feels hungry again. He really knows what he wants and I have to cater to him to get him to eat. I must admit, I really don't mind doing it because I don't want him to starve and since he is my first I know I can spoil him a little bit.

Since he was up the whole time I was with him this morning, I feel like I need to take a cat nap before I go back to see him. I will let you know what happens when I go to see him later this afternoon!

-J

Baby discharge and brady episodes

I just want to say thank you for all the comments that I have been getting... your feedback is great and I can't tell you how much I appreciate everything that I am getting back from everyone!

This weekend was super busy and we did not get to see the baby as much as we had hoped. I feel like I spent hours in Buy Buy Baby and Target only to find a few select things I had chosen from the registry. We also spent hours cleaning the apartment from top to bottom while taking time off to fix our cars and visit with some family members for a little bit. My life seems so much busier after having the baby and he is not even home yet!

Well, when I called the hospital to check up on the little one on Sunday I was told that he might be able to come home Monday... he didn't. The Dr who was checking his chart on Sunday said everything looked great and that he could be discharged. I was very happy to hear that so when I got to the NICU on Monday morning I was very upset to hear that he would not be coming home now till maybe Thursday. Apparently he had an "episode" Saturday night while he was sleeping where his heart rate went really low (lower than it should have gone), but he recovered within a few seconds. The Dr said it is nothing to really panic about but it is something to keep an eye on. Even though I want him home now, I know that it is good for him to be there a few extra days instead of having a bigger episode at home. It is for the best.

As we cleaned the apartament the other night, it made me realize how much babies need. Most of the closet is filled with baby stuff and my boyfriend and I have a very small space on either side of the little ones for our stuff. He also has his cradle, a dresser/changing table and will be getting shelving units to hold his toys, books and other stuff. He has taken over. I am ok with it all because I know my little man will be home soon. That makes me happy.

I do have a few more things to do before he gets home and I had better get going so I can finish. I just left the hospital a little bit ago to eat and run errands so I better hop to it! I will give you another update on how everything is soon!

-J

Preemie and anxiety

As I sit in the hospital cafe, I can't help but think about everything the nurse and Dr had told me this morning. The nurse gave me the rundown of what I should do before the baby comes home. Mind you, it is Thursday, and I was told that the baby would be coming home on Tuesday. I'm thinking about all I have to do and panic a little. Why you ask? Well, I have never taken care of a newborn by myself that was born premature! Last night was the first time I was able to give the little guy a bath and today was the first day I have ever tried breast feeding, but more about that later.

So anyway, the nurse not only asked who the baby's Dr would be, what I should say to make the appointments, but she told me about the car seat challenge, asked me if I wanted the pictures done at the hospital of the baby, asked if my boyfriend and I will be rooming in before the baby goes home and asked why I have never breast fed before. It was a long list of stuff she was going over with me and I am sure that I forgot one or two things she talked about. I never realized there was so much to do before baby comes home, partially because I would have had the shower first, have time to prep for baby then have the baby. All the prep when I had the urge to 'nest'.

So now I have all these things to talk about with my boyfriend with hopes of not stressing him out. Slowly we have been trying to prepare by washing his clothes and the cradle linens, buy diapers and wipes and all the other essentials for a new baby. We still need a changing table, more blankets, bottles and other stuff I can't remember right now. The list is too long!

Ok, so breast feeding. That was an adventure. I didn't know what to expect at first and really didn't realize how much work it really is! The lactation consultant came by to help me and she told me preemie feeding is different from a full term baby feed. Since my little boy has just gotten used to the bottle, the LC said it might be more difficult. She helped me position him and my hand/breast accordingly. You have to pay attention with a preemie too because they are so small you have to make sure they remember to breathe. So without going into too much detail, I got the hang of it and the baby eventually calmed down and got the hang of it as well. He was then supposed to eat from his bottle in case he didn't get enough, but kept pushing it away. I guess we will see if he gains or loses weight to determine if he's getting enough.

Pretty exciting day so far and its only the afternoon. I breast fed twice, found out he's coming home soon, and have realized how much I have to do this weekend to get the house ready for him! I'm trying not to stress too much, but the more I think about it, the more I stress.

Its starting to rain and since I don't have a watch, I'm wondering what time it is and if the baby is awake. I will keep you posted on everything that goes on. Feel free to comment and share your experiences- it would be great to compare notes.

Ciao!
-J

Preemie Hearing and Vision

In the past couple of days my little boy has grown from three to four pounds, has put on some baby fat that is very noticeable, and has had his hearing and eye tests done. It was interesting to watch the hearing test being done and I was happy to see that my little one did not squirm and try to pull out all of the wires and tubing from his head. I was very impressed by the girls who did the test. They were very gentle with him and explained everything they were doing to him (they did this because I kept asking questions!). They had three different wires with sticky pads on the end of them which were placed behind his ears and the last was put on his forehead. They put a little tube in his ear (not too far in, but enough that it would stay) and hit a button on the computer. From there we watched the screen as red and green lines were drawn on the monitor mimicking the format they have below showing "perfect hearing". The little sticky pads pick up his brain waves and thats how they measure how well he responds to sound. Its very cool to see being done because up to that point I really didn't know how well he could or could not hear and that scared me. I'm happy now because I know his hearing is good.



I was not there for the vision test because the Dr comes early in the morning to do the exam, and I was not up at the time he was there...its the time that normal people sleep. From what I hear the Dr has the nurse put in three sets of drops to dialate the eyes and then looks at the back of the eye to see how much blood flow he is getting to his retina. The nurse said everything looked good and that he needs a follow up in a few weeks. There is always going to be a slew of

follow up appointments when your baby is preemie.



So good news!!! He is up to four pounds and not only can I see his cheeks are chubbier, but he is hurting my arms a little because I am not used to this new weight. It's not like he weighs a lot but I have gotten so used to holding this little tiny peanut and now that peanut is growing and I have to adjust. The preemie clothes that we have are still very loose on him, but the length fits great. I am wondering what we can bring him home in... I have no cute outfits that are that small!



I have been getting very antsy because when I spoke to the Dr over the weekend, he said my baby will be able to come home in a week to ten days depending on how he does with his feedings. He has been eating with a bottle for every other feeding and with the feeding tube for the rest. Depending on the nurse on duty, sometimes we get to do a bottle feeding for two or three feedings in a row! That is very exciting for a mommy with a preemie... it means that we are THAT much closer to having the baby home! Seems like all we have left to do is bottle feed for each feed and pass the Car Seat Challenge!!! It doesn't seem that hard... it just takes up time. I will let you know how it goes!

-J

Early Labor and NICU life

Ok, so the first day I decided to blog, I didn't think it would be the last day of my pregnancy. Yep, that's right... at 31 weeks I gave birth- that's why I haven't blogged in a while. I had an emergency c-section because the placenta was pulling away from my uterus and I began to hemmorage and go into labor- FUN STUFF. Not really, the whole thing was quite scary and it just so happens that the thing I did not want to get (the c-section) was the thing that I had to get. If the baby was laying in a position that allowed me to give birth naturally, then I would have, but the baby was transverse (laying across my belly) so they had to cut him out of me.

I must admit that that night everything was so surreal. By the time the Dr came in, got the low down on what was going on with me and the baby, and then decided we had to get the baby out because of his heart rate going down, I was already out of it. I don't know if it was lack of sleep, shock or if my mommy mode set in, but all I know is that I wanted to hear that baby cry and get out of me safely.

Everything happens so fast... they wheel you in, give you the epidural which kicks in pretty fast, cut you open, pull out the kid and sew you back up before you even realize that you are in the recovery room. I had even told my boyfriend that I don't remember getting from the OR to recovery then up to my room... all I remember is that I was a miserable mess that couldn't walk down to see my baby. That's all I wanted to do but I wasn't allowed till I was able to stand up.

Six PM I was allowed to see the baby which wouldn't have been so bad if I gave birth later than 4:13 AM. I spent all day crying because everyone that came to visit would get to see him and come back and say "oh he's so beautiful... you should see him". That was what made me so miserable. It did make me feel better to know that I was the first person besides the Dr and nurses to hold him for the first two days. He is the most beautiful baby I have ever laid eyes on, and still... after 20+ days I get teary eyed when looking at him because I can not believe that something to small and perfectly complete came out of me. At 2 pounds 11.4 ounces my little boy stole my heart and I fell in love. It's that mommy love... that's all I can say about it.

Since my discharge date, I have been in the hospital every day for several hours spending time with my baby. I have seen him smile and cry, have seen him move from a c-pap, to a high then to a low nasal cannula and now to just breathing room air. He has been gaining weight and is almost up to four pounds and is trying to keep up his own body temperature. All he has to do is master bottle feeding and then he will be out of the NICU!!

So far, the birth of my son has been an adventure. It started out crazy and has been going back to normal as the days go on. I can't wait to have him home with me- then I will really feel like a mom. It's hard to leave him at the hospital every night but I know that he is just too little to come home. When he is big enough, he will be home with me and we won't be restricted by any wires, tubes and monitors. I will be able to walk around and hold him and won't have to worry about him trying to pull out his feeding tube if it's not there anymore. I really can 't wait for that day. Until then, I have to keep visiting the NICU hoping the Dr finds him well enough to go home!

Thanks for reading!

-J

31 weeks and counting!

Hello there! This weekend I hit my 31 week mark for being pregnant! I'm not as nervous as I thought I would be at this time... I guess because I was a nanny for close to three years. I guess you could say I have had some practice with kids, but it's different when you're pregnant for the first time versus the taking care of someone else's little one. Right now I am not getting much sleep (which I don't have much experience with at all!) and have been getting quite swollen. The baby has been kicking and punching a lot too! I'm wondering if I should sign him up for karate when the time comes!

If there is anyone else who is around the same amount of weeks as I am, feel free to blog me back! I would like to compare pregnancy stories!

-J